I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
