No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
