who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
