On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
