wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Holy shit dude........stairs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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