i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
