her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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