I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
