Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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