last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We got so high we made milksteak
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
