One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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