I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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