Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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