the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
