Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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