Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
