I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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