I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
