I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
