We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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