It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
