I'm so fucking centered right now
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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