We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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