My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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