Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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