Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
