I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
