If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
