I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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