Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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