i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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