Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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