i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
