Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
