If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
