I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
