I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
