i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
