I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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