My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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