This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
