grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
