dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
