ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
