Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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