I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
