what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Shame is for Republicans.
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