just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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