i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
