You're so nebulous sometimes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
