Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
